I Don’t Want A Relationship And No It’s Not Because I’m In My 20-something’s.

Have you ever told anyone you don’t wanna relationship or marriage and they give you “the look”. All of us single enthusiasts have seen that look. It’s the look of “oh you want to be a whore all of your life and chase thrills” but their mouths say “oh, I completely understand”. They don’t. What they mean is “I have previously viewed you as a woman who cooperated with society but now I see you as less than and I just want you to be comfortable in your stance”.

So why do people hate women who don’t want to be in relationships or be married? Do we no longer have a reason to be in society? Are we useless to the world now? Because that’s ultimately what people think. What makes a woman is having kids and being a wife, said society & religion since the beginning of time.

Well, I am a 24 year old who just doesn’t see the appeal in relationships. I don’t hate men (most of the time), I don’t want to continuously relive my early 20’s, I’m not power hungry. I just simply don’t see the appeal of being with the same exact person for an extended period of time. But I wasn’t always like this. I actually was one of those girls you see on Twitter that post how she can’t wait to do xyz with her man and even would pick rings out that I wanted for that big moment. But then I experienced happiness in myself and loneliness with a man….

I started to think something was wrong with me. How could I become sadder with someone and be happier with alone? Isn’t that the exact opposite of what society says I should be doing? After taking many moments to assess myself and what could possibly be wrong with me, I realized I don’t hate love or connections — in fact I value them so much more when I don’t put the parameters of a relationship onto someone. Perhaps I don’t want to give someone that expectation of what a relationship should be and when I fall short, I’m to blame and vice versa. When we put a name to things, we put it into a box without knowing we did.

I know this sounds like I’m coping out of responsibility of my destructive behaviors but you could also look at it as I’m protecting myself and others from heartbreak. I know I’m not the best person to be in a relationship with. I’m selfish, I’m flighty, I’m constantly evolving which makes me seem a bit hypocritical at times. So why can’t I enjoy the thrill without the responsibility that comes with being in a relationship especially if I know I’m eventually going to leave and see what else is out there in life for me?

This leads me to my second point. People do not know how to date anymore. I’ve been on dates with men and the first question that came out their mouth was: what are you looking for in a husband? On the first date. We’re discussing marriage. On the first date. I simply reply with my signature: I’m not looking for a husband currently, I’m just dating and seeing where it goes. Let’s just say the conversation gets weird afterwards. Why do I have to prove to you that I could be your potential wife over breadsticks? You didn’t even let me get to my Caesar salad yet so now here we are knowing we’re never going to speak to one another again with three more courses to tend to. We live in a “I want to get to know you soon as I got your number to see if you’re my wife” generation. I will save you the time, I’m not your wife. You see, when we’re so focused on the outcome of things: kids, marriage, relationships, “building each other up”, etc. we don’t care who it’s with. We don’t see each other for people. We see each other’s potential and then we’re left dumbfounded when the other person doesn’t live up to those standards. You’re not looking at me as a women or a person. You’re looking at me as someone who could possibly carry your child and hold your last name. So now that I’ve fallen short on what YOU believe a wife should be, this relationship no longer works.

We fall in love with ideas. Not people. We fall in love with what they can do for us. Not them as a person. So you see, I rather tell you up front that I am not someone who enjoys relationships and even the thought of marriage. I respect love too much to give it to just anyone. Love is powerful. It’s a deeper connection than what you create someone’s potential to be. If you love the idea of marriage, you’ll settle for anyone who is ready for it even without the connection and depth is supposed to have. So I don’t hate love or marriage, I simply would rather create deeper connections with people and remain happy with myself.

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Amani Allen-Beale

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